Awesome Redeemer

We have Wednesday night Church, at our church; a prayer and worship time, then fellowship and service.

Last night my service team was released to have a Holy Spirit night. We prayed in tongues, worshiped in spirit and in truth, that alone was awesome, a time set aside to be with God that you can't always manage on that level in the every day business of life.

But the best bit was our leaders prayed and prophesised over us.

God used the leaders who prayed over me amazingly to speak to my heart, to my dreams and my situations so specifically - and these leaders didn't know me very well. One I had never seen before, but God had given her an amazing discernment to speak over some things I had been asking God. I received so much; God only ever has good thoughts to us, continually. How wonderful to be reminded. God showed me that (again...) I have been trying to live on 'yesterdays manna', when He has fresh manna for me, that I need every day. How far we try to go on God's good blessing, when He wants us to stop to give us more! How amazing is that? And storing it up makes it go stale, we need to eat it!

One thing pertinent to depression I will note here. A dear, dear Pastor that I love and admire prayed over me, reminding God and me that He has promised to restore the years the locust have eaten (Joel 2:25), that He gave me the Oil of Joy for mourning, and something I hadn't really considered very deeply before: Beauty for ashes.

Beauty for ashes. I'm not a wrung out recoveree of depression. My life is beautiful. THAT, is how I am going to live today.

Something to remember....

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.

Chinese Proverb

Awesome God

I am constantly amazed that whenever you think you have an idea of just how amazing God is, He goes and supersedes what you thought you knew.

Psalm 52:9 

I will thank You and confide in You forever, because You have done it [delivered me and kept me safe]. I will wait on, hope in and expect in Your name, for it is good, in the presence of Your saints.

HEALING

I haven't written for some time, not that there are people hanging on my every word, but I have a very good reason!

On Sunday, 26th April, 2009, God healed me from depression. HALLELUJAH! 

After pressing in as best as I could, God was faithful and answered my prayer, He delivered me! It was during a healing evening at church. There are many details, but I seem to have told them to so many people that I am not going to do it right here right now, but I will eventually! It is too good not to share, the goodness of God!

I haven't blogged because I have been too busy, ENJOYING life - who could believe it?! I mean, now I know what joy really feels like. It is incredible. Praise God!

Now, I no longer question if God really, really loves me. I know! Now, I don't think God's promises are true only for other people. They are true for ME! I am beginning to see people in a better light. I feel really, truely, free. That is something only Jesus can give, and now I have so much to be thankful for. 

So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free.  John 8:36

I can  now see that I was the man (ok, woman) in James that I acutally feared that I was:

Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind. For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord, [For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides]. James 1:6-8

And now, I am not! I am the person that asks in faith, without hesitating and doubting. I KNOW God is faithful. I am CERTAIN that He answers prayers, my prayers! I am not afraid of God not being there. I am not afraid that depression might come back. I am not afraid of what people might think of me. And if I didn't know it was God that had indeed healed me, I would wonder how such an amazing change in me could have come about - I am a new person. His Word is true!

Here Comes the Sun

What can happen in a month? There haven't been many large highlights. Sometimes it can be depressing in itself when you realise that your success over a certain period of time has been simply to get up and keep moving. Nothing that sounds exciting, just making sure the family are clean, fed and dressed. All mundane, but sometimes they seem insurmountable tasks. So there you have it - February was a success! After all, any month I don't sink so low as to want to kill myself - or even that I don't do exactly that, is a success! Pity there is no medal or award ceremony, I am sure that would do wonders for many of us!

After such a pathetic sounding opening paragraph, I am actually feeling really good today! I haven't wasted hours on the computer, and I have managed to do both some house work (ok, minimal, but better than nothing, right?!), and some research into some creative areas I hope to explore - of course I want to rush out and buy all the materials now, but I know I need to do a bit more planning and preparing. I haven't felt the desperation for a nap. All that with a sick baby following me around and wiping snot on every porous surface..... Yes, children can be disgusting. I can't complain actually; number 3 hasn't been sick much, and he is pretty good when he is. Certainly easier than I remember his brother or sister being!

And to top off my happy mood, I am off to do an altered art class and learn to use some new mediums. Ah, perfect therapy! I am SO looking forward to it. I can feel my passion for paint and fabric starting to make sense.... God is being, as usual, so good. Bless my therapist, she is truly an angel, and gently guides me along, nudging me back to His path and helping me see things, well, better!

What did I say about number 3...?? It must be time for his nap.

A Bruised Reed

Isaiah 42:3 reads:

"A bruised reed he will not break,

and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;"

On Tuesday it happened again. There was no warning. It was an ordinary day. Nothing had gone wrong. And yet I found myself wishing I was dead. I was either weeping my eyes out, or struggling with God. I could actually see myself as a reed being bruised. These metaphors aren't much of a stretch to understand, are they?

So much therapy, counselling, respite and drugs; how is it that this is still happening? I couldn't even pick up my Bible. I felt myself drawn to Psalm 193:8-10 "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." But I couldn't believe it. How can God, Who I have been trying to accept - loves me so very much, how can He let me fall into this again? How much prayer do I need?

Fortunately my family are very (practically) supportive, and I know God is looking after us, but it is so hard to believe that He helps us 'get by' as opposed to John 10:10: "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)." Certainly the stealing, killing and destroying is presently more easily seen and more frequently experienced than the abundant life Christ wants us to have. I know that I will repent of my attitudes. I know that "God is light; in him there is no darkness at all." (1 John 1:5). He is for me, not for my destruction, that much I can believe. I know the Word says to "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" (James 4:8). Will I ever be able to draw near during those times when it seems God is absolutely at the other side of the universe?

In looking up some Bible references, I came across this verse. Isn't in interesting that you may have read a verse many times, but only really 'see' it when you need to?

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1 :12

I needed that!

And here I am a few days later; I had some rest that I needed which certainly helped, but we have had difficult news. It seems the 'recession' has trickled down to our level and my husband will find out this week if he has to take a pay cut or be made redundant, and our land lord is feeling the pinch too and upped the rent. You would think that would be enough to 'tip' the scales and spiral one into a depressive episode. But I don't feel depressed today. On the contrary, I am quite optimistic! Go figure! Something I find very difficult though is when people give you helpful advice on how they got over their depression. Now, I would never belittle someones depressive experiences; each is unique to the individual and brings many difficulties. But honestly, what have they done that I haven't tried to 'pull up my socks and get over it'? Is this unusual? Does anyone else just find themselves in a pit of absolute despair thinking about cutting their wrists open while they are preparing dinner? For no apparent reason? I am looking for hope. Is this something I will fight with until I die (I am thus winning so far!) or will I be delivered one day. By faith, today I can accept that God can use it for the good. Hmmm. At least these experiences are giving me an interesting patina...!

On a more positive note, I lost 2kg. And I was wondering if it would ever happen! Yay me. Better keep up the exercise then...!

Just keep swimming.....

It is difficult to see your friends status on Facebook reading like:
'Just been for a run - hour and a half this time!'
or
'All my clothes are too small now and I have nothing to wear!'
or
'The house looks immaculate, I've been so busy cleaning.'.......

Basically anything that I am struggling with - and occasionally just things that make you a bit jealous!

In my pursuit to be 'the incredible shrinking lady' I am determine to remain encouraged, not discouraged! Though I may not have stellar results just yet, at least my exercise time has increased by 200%. That's not bad really. (Then again, it didn't take much to increase...!) And I am averaging 1 1/2 hrs a week now, which is 1 1/2 hours longer than it used to be. And lets face it; I have to start somewhere!

There always seems to be so much to do! I am halfway through goodness knows how many UFOs, and seem to be planning more projects as the days go by, despite having to fit looking after a family etc into the 24 hours in a day. Though I am no longer in the grip of depression where I could hardly get out of bed I still want more energy! I taught a class yesterday at the shop, an altered shadow box. Teaching makes me tired as there is so much nervous energy being used up at this stage. I expect to have less nervousness eventually! But is went well and there was plenty of positive feedback so I am encouraged. On Saturday I am planning to go to an altered book club. I am so looking forward to it, as I feel that most of the time I am on my own, aimlessly. Also, the lady that runs it (who looks fabulous) apparently lost 51kg! THAT is the sort of person I need to be around!

This morning I have decided to treat myself to finishing off a cross-stitch. What a shame fast stitching doesn't count as aerobic exercise! The house work can wait one more day, but the kids are at kindy, school and asleep; I don't feel bad at all allowing myself this indulgence today. Now I just have to turn this darn computer off!

Ever have those days?

It is the end of the school holidays. That says alot! It is hot and the kids are tired and cranky. This afternoon I have felt my mood dropping, as we approach that crazy time of the day - from just before dinner until bedtime, when the kids can just go nuts.

That being said, I am doing better than ever!

It has been nearly a year since I have needed respite help. God has been giving me strength and encouragement, and weapons - which I sometimes feel to tired to use. But I am more able to see that He indeed lets me rest under His wing as He refreshes and restores me.

This weekend I had an interesting thought. Interesting in that it had never occured to me - that it could be applicable to me (and yes, I will get to my point, eventually). After so long renewing my thoughts (Romans 12:2) and taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), that it is starting to have an effect - Yippee! Strange as it may sound, there is a world of difference between knowing something and believing it. And if that is a world of difference, it could be a veritable universe of difference between believing or knowing something, and experiencing it for oneself.
The long and the short of it is that by His grace, He is allowing me to experience some more of His promises. Three years ago i was in a mental health ward, wishing I was dead, but knowing that was not His will. For a Christian, suicide is not an option, but without knowing God, knowing the Word, and having some experience of victories in your struggle, well, it is pure hell on earth. Being in that place you have no luxury of 'the big picture'. You are blind to what is happening. It can be very difficult to see God at all, or believe He loves you. That He wants the best for you can seem a cruel joke! Praise God that He lead me to a place where at the very least - I believed His Word was the Truth. Therefore, it was time my life started to line up with it. For the first time I understood that my situation was not necessarily a true reflection of what was happening. That being said, I am now in a much better position (with the benefit of hindsight, what a wonderful thing you would rather have the first time around, right?) to appreciate exactly what God was doing for me. It was an epic battle. And though the war is not over, I know we win.

So that is a very abridged background to my revelation! (Yes, here is my point!)

Not only am I an ovecommer, I am going to have a huge success story - of my own.

Don't ask me how or when.... But it will happen.

We know that 'being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus' (Philippians 1:6 - which, by the way, I was pleased to realise this last year, is not until He comes again. I don't have to worry about not being 'finished' until then, because God will keep working on me. I'm a work in progress!), but we can also be assured that He isn't asleep on the job (2 Corinthians 3:18).

So there it is. I have learnt that I am not a failure if I haven't done 'x' yesterday. If I fall off an exercise program for a while. If I have a week of not so fabulous parenting. If my house isn't completely clean for longer than and hour.

I don't know how long it will take until I feel like I am achieving. Until I see some results that satisfy me, or that I think I am good enough. Now for the hard part -keeping on going!

Do not despise the day of small beginnings.

Everything has to start somewhere. I have to start somewhere. So here we go.
2009 is a new chance. I can change things I don't like, and improve the things I do. I am determined not to become discouraged, as things take time. Isaiah 28:10 is going to be a key verse for me this year - precept upon precept, precept upon precept, rule upon rule, rule upon rule; here a little, there a little. I just have to keep going. God hasn't given up on me, nor will he ever (Romans 8:38-39), so I am not going to give up either.
I have few goals at this stage. Having spent the last 6 years in a combination of pregnancies (3) motherhood, depression, fit and now unfit, I have some way to go. I have given up on myself so many times, despairing if I would ever be able to accomplish anything. But now I know that I will. I do, and I have. Considering anything I have done an achievement has ,until now, been contrary to my first nature, so it is something in itself that I am now even considering the prospect of calling myself an, dare I say it, achiever.
And now, my son has woken from his nap and I must desist naval gazing and leave it at that.