Awesome Redeemer

We have Wednesday night Church, at our church; a prayer and worship time, then fellowship and service.

Last night my service team was released to have a Holy Spirit night. We prayed in tongues, worshiped in spirit and in truth, that alone was awesome, a time set aside to be with God that you can't always manage on that level in the every day business of life.

But the best bit was our leaders prayed and prophesised over us.

God used the leaders who prayed over me amazingly to speak to my heart, to my dreams and my situations so specifically - and these leaders didn't know me very well. One I had never seen before, but God had given her an amazing discernment to speak over some things I had been asking God. I received so much; God only ever has good thoughts to us, continually. How wonderful to be reminded. God showed me that (again...) I have been trying to live on 'yesterdays manna', when He has fresh manna for me, that I need every day. How far we try to go on God's good blessing, when He wants us to stop to give us more! How amazing is that? And storing it up makes it go stale, we need to eat it!

One thing pertinent to depression I will note here. A dear, dear Pastor that I love and admire prayed over me, reminding God and me that He has promised to restore the years the locust have eaten (Joel 2:25), that He gave me the Oil of Joy for mourning, and something I hadn't really considered very deeply before: Beauty for ashes.

Beauty for ashes. I'm not a wrung out recoveree of depression. My life is beautiful. THAT, is how I am going to live today.

Something to remember....

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.

Chinese Proverb

Awesome God

I am constantly amazed that whenever you think you have an idea of just how amazing God is, He goes and supersedes what you thought you knew.

Psalm 52:9 

I will thank You and confide in You forever, because You have done it [delivered me and kept me safe]. I will wait on, hope in and expect in Your name, for it is good, in the presence of Your saints.

HEALING

I haven't written for some time, not that there are people hanging on my every word, but I have a very good reason!

On Sunday, 26th April, 2009, God healed me from depression. HALLELUJAH! 

After pressing in as best as I could, God was faithful and answered my prayer, He delivered me! It was during a healing evening at church. There are many details, but I seem to have told them to so many people that I am not going to do it right here right now, but I will eventually! It is too good not to share, the goodness of God!

I haven't blogged because I have been too busy, ENJOYING life - who could believe it?! I mean, now I know what joy really feels like. It is incredible. Praise God!

Now, I no longer question if God really, really loves me. I know! Now, I don't think God's promises are true only for other people. They are true for ME! I am beginning to see people in a better light. I feel really, truely, free. That is something only Jesus can give, and now I have so much to be thankful for. 

So if the Son liberates you [makes you free men], then you are really and unquestionably free.  John 8:36

I can  now see that I was the man (ok, woman) in James that I acutally feared that I was:

Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind. For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord, [For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides]. James 1:6-8

And now, I am not! I am the person that asks in faith, without hesitating and doubting. I KNOW God is faithful. I am CERTAIN that He answers prayers, my prayers! I am not afraid of God not being there. I am not afraid that depression might come back. I am not afraid of what people might think of me. And if I didn't know it was God that had indeed healed me, I would wonder how such an amazing change in me could have come about - I am a new person. His Word is true!

Here Comes the Sun

What can happen in a month? There haven't been many large highlights. Sometimes it can be depressing in itself when you realise that your success over a certain period of time has been simply to get up and keep moving. Nothing that sounds exciting, just making sure the family are clean, fed and dressed. All mundane, but sometimes they seem insurmountable tasks. So there you have it - February was a success! After all, any month I don't sink so low as to want to kill myself - or even that I don't do exactly that, is a success! Pity there is no medal or award ceremony, I am sure that would do wonders for many of us!

After such a pathetic sounding opening paragraph, I am actually feeling really good today! I haven't wasted hours on the computer, and I have managed to do both some house work (ok, minimal, but better than nothing, right?!), and some research into some creative areas I hope to explore - of course I want to rush out and buy all the materials now, but I know I need to do a bit more planning and preparing. I haven't felt the desperation for a nap. All that with a sick baby following me around and wiping snot on every porous surface..... Yes, children can be disgusting. I can't complain actually; number 3 hasn't been sick much, and he is pretty good when he is. Certainly easier than I remember his brother or sister being!

And to top off my happy mood, I am off to do an altered art class and learn to use some new mediums. Ah, perfect therapy! I am SO looking forward to it. I can feel my passion for paint and fabric starting to make sense.... God is being, as usual, so good. Bless my therapist, she is truly an angel, and gently guides me along, nudging me back to His path and helping me see things, well, better!

What did I say about number 3...?? It must be time for his nap.

A Bruised Reed

Isaiah 42:3 reads:

"A bruised reed he will not break,

and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;"

On Tuesday it happened again. There was no warning. It was an ordinary day. Nothing had gone wrong. And yet I found myself wishing I was dead. I was either weeping my eyes out, or struggling with God. I could actually see myself as a reed being bruised. These metaphors aren't much of a stretch to understand, are they?

So much therapy, counselling, respite and drugs; how is it that this is still happening? I couldn't even pick up my Bible. I felt myself drawn to Psalm 193:8-10 "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." But I couldn't believe it. How can God, Who I have been trying to accept - loves me so very much, how can He let me fall into this again? How much prayer do I need?

Fortunately my family are very (practically) supportive, and I know God is looking after us, but it is so hard to believe that He helps us 'get by' as opposed to John 10:10: "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)." Certainly the stealing, killing and destroying is presently more easily seen and more frequently experienced than the abundant life Christ wants us to have. I know that I will repent of my attitudes. I know that "God is light; in him there is no darkness at all." (1 John 1:5). He is for me, not for my destruction, that much I can believe. I know the Word says to "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" (James 4:8). Will I ever be able to draw near during those times when it seems God is absolutely at the other side of the universe?

In looking up some Bible references, I came across this verse. Isn't in interesting that you may have read a verse many times, but only really 'see' it when you need to?

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1 :12

I needed that!

And here I am a few days later; I had some rest that I needed which certainly helped, but we have had difficult news. It seems the 'recession' has trickled down to our level and my husband will find out this week if he has to take a pay cut or be made redundant, and our land lord is feeling the pinch too and upped the rent. You would think that would be enough to 'tip' the scales and spiral one into a depressive episode. But I don't feel depressed today. On the contrary, I am quite optimistic! Go figure! Something I find very difficult though is when people give you helpful advice on how they got over their depression. Now, I would never belittle someones depressive experiences; each is unique to the individual and brings many difficulties. But honestly, what have they done that I haven't tried to 'pull up my socks and get over it'? Is this unusual? Does anyone else just find themselves in a pit of absolute despair thinking about cutting their wrists open while they are preparing dinner? For no apparent reason? I am looking for hope. Is this something I will fight with until I die (I am thus winning so far!) or will I be delivered one day. By faith, today I can accept that God can use it for the good. Hmmm. At least these experiences are giving me an interesting patina...!

On a more positive note, I lost 2kg. And I was wondering if it would ever happen! Yay me. Better keep up the exercise then...!