"A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;"
On Tuesday it happened again. There was no warning. It was an ordinary day. Nothing had gone wrong. And yet I found myself wishing I was dead. I was either weeping my eyes out, or struggling with God. I could actually see myself as a reed being bruised. These metaphors aren't much of a stretch to understand, are they?
So much therapy, counselling, respite and drugs; how is it that this is still happening? I couldn't even pick up my Bible. I felt myself drawn to Psalm 193:8-10 "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." But I couldn't believe it. How can God, Who I have been trying to accept - loves me so very much, how can He let me fall into this again? How much prayer do I need?
Fortunately my family are very (practically) supportive, and I know God is looking after us, but it is so hard to believe that He helps us 'get by' as opposed to John 10:10: "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)." Certainly the stealing, killing and destroying is presently more easily seen and more frequently experienced than the abundant life Christ wants us to have. I know that I will repent of my attitudes. I know that "God is light; in him there is no darkness at all." (1 John 1:5). He is for me, not for my destruction, that much I can believe. I know the Word says to "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" (James 4:8). Will I ever be able to draw near during those times when it seems God is absolutely at the other side of the universe?
In looking up some Bible references, I came across this verse. Isn't in interesting that you may have read a verse many times, but only really 'see' it when you need to?
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1 :12
I needed that!
And here I am a few days later; I had some rest that I needed which certainly helped, but we have had difficult news. It seems the 'recession' has trickled down to our level and my husband will find out this week if he has to take a pay cut or be made redundant, and our land lord is feeling the pinch too and upped the rent. You would think that would be enough to 'tip' the scales and spiral one into a depressive episode. But I don't feel depressed today. On the contrary, I am quite optimistic! Go figure! Something I find very difficult though is when people give you helpful advice on how they got over their depression. Now, I would never belittle someones depressive experiences; each is unique to the individual and brings many difficulties. But honestly, what have they done that I haven't tried to 'pull up my socks and get over it'? Is this unusual? Does anyone else just find themselves in a pit of absolute despair thinking about cutting their wrists open while they are preparing dinner? For no apparent reason? I am looking for hope. Is this something I will fight with until I die (I am thus winning so far!) or will I be delivered one day. By faith, today I can accept that God can use it for the good. Hmmm. At least these experiences are giving me an interesting patina...!
On a more positive note, I lost 2kg. And I was wondering if it would ever happen! Yay me. Better keep up the exercise then...!
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